My First Near Death Experience

Or "NDE" if you will. You know, I've heard about people having these. I've read a bunch of stories where people die (momentarily) and proceed to a light. Then they see someone and they get the chance to choose whether they go back into their body or stay with the light. They usually choose to come back to earth (or we wouldn't even know about their story) and then we read the story.

Mine wasn't anything like that. So either those people were lying, or I didn't really have the famed NDE that I thought I had. You decide. Here is how it went down:

Step One: Janese and I decided to buy a new fan/light for our front room. This is due to the fact that our light had been hit with basketballs too many times and only worked part of the time, and because I think our light was hideous. Here is the light (on the ground after being "fired"):



Step Two: We bought a new light at Lowes. I thought, Oh, I can hang this thing in an hour. I always start projects with this thought.

Now for a little "aside".

I don't really know anything about construction or wires or hammers. I mean, I can fix a few little things. The light in our bathroom was re-wired by me. I built our shed (please wind, don't blow). But I'm not really the kind of guy who should decide to take on a project by himself unless someone else has promised to come and check on me to make sure I haven't "expired" during the project (especially if there are wires, electricity, nails, or fire involved)...

Step Three: Janese and the children left for two hours and Maddie went down for a nap. So, I'm alone with my precious tools and a box holding a new light.

Step Four: I opened the box. Why wasn't this thing pre-assembled? I thought it would be a light/lamp sitting in some of those foam peanuts. It was just a bunch of wood blades, screws, nuts, motors, and other stuff. I immediately began to realize I was in over my head.



Step Five: I ripped the old lamp down. Harder than it sounds. I spend quite a bit of time trying to figure out which screws to mess with and which to leave intact. I finally decide just to start at the ceiling and work down. The old fans hangs for 20 minutes by the wiring. Probably not safe, but I couldn't come up with a better solution. It was pretty heavy. So it hangs there, partially supported by the top of the ladder while I search for the instructions. Sweating...

Step Six: I read the directions. I usually don't. I look at something and think, Hey, I know how this is supposed to go and then I just start hammering things together in a way that seems right. Janese doesn't like that. She likes to read the directions. Like if we get a new board game, Janese starts reading the instructions while I just start setting up the game pieces in a way that seems logical. Janese then finishes reading the instructions. Then we re-set up the game in the correct fashion. (and then Janese looks for a way to cheat) (Don't tell her I know this)

The instructions were pretty involved. Lots of steps and diagrams. But the part that got my attention was this line:

Failure to [insert whatever step they're covering at the moment] may result in serious injury or death.


Death? This is a ceiling fan, not a weapons-grade container of enriched uranium. Why would I experience death from hanging a fan?

Step Seven: I put everything together, step by step in order, all by myself.

It took about two hours. The instructions said it would take 90 minutes so I must have taken an extra 30 minutes to contemplate my own "death and/or serious injury".

Step Eight: I turn the power in our front room back on and pull the switches for the lights and the fan. I did feel a little nervous flipping the breaker back on. I took a few seconds to determie how long it would take me to run upstairs, grab Maddie from her crib, and rush out of our burning home. I also tried to recall, from Scouts, how to put out an electrical fire (I can't remember...baking soda? fire extinguisher? stop, drop, and roll?)


So, according to the instructions, I had a near death experience. It wasn't as bad or life-changing as I thought it would be. Other people have new courage for life's problems or a new outlook or they forgive everyone who has ever offended them. I didn't have any of that stuff. I watched TV for a little while until Janese came home. She kissed me.

Also, I have an increased respect for the famous Trisha and her dishwasher...

Lastly, I will report on whether my children's Christmas wishes were dashed or not later...